NOTE: This was written sometime in 2019
For the very first time in my life, I'm myself. I haven't had any intolerable nightmares in a quite long time and that's such an achievement. I have found comfort in being alone in a big house without a panic attack or the need of being accompanied. I have found the inner peace that I was so desperately craving. Yes, for the first time in my life, I want to live.
I have never been a fan of summer but this summer was beautiful, listening to Taylor Swift's latest album, Lover, planning a trip to Crema which I know won't happen in a very long time but it gave me a purpose, sipping on some cheap wine I found at the supermarket and dancing awkwardly and uncontrollably in my customized PJs. I read a bunch of books this summer for my Feature and Storytelling course in which I was given an opportunity to express my admiration and love for all those antagonists that I love. The liberty to do what you love is beyond happiness, I know. I began learning to control my anger and temper, a long way to go but a great start on the matter. Since I was alone, I spent more time with myself, the self that I hated and disgusted, I listened to that self, got to know it, dug a little deeper, found a way to comprehensively and comfortably live with it. "Stop hating yourself" - CHECK! I finally process through the fact that dad has gone and I have to spend the rest of my annoyingly long life without him because I promised to live both of our lives. I freed myself from toxic people or people whose life was intoxicated by me. I stopped running from the past, I had to get up where I fell, I figured that out. What a beautiful spiritual journey I have had this year!
But here the problem. I still want to have a boyfriend, deep down inside of me, I know I do. Because I'm still human, I want to love and to be loved. But I do not want to risk all the inner achievements I have struggled to find because of some external factors. I just love being stable, being happy, and being me that I'm unwilling to give that up for someone else. I have just found me back and I'm not sure 'me' won't be affected by love or anyone because the last time, 'me' wasn't strong enough to hold the forth, and there 'me' go, got swept off her feet like some brainless fool with no personality whatsoever. But that so-called destiny can happen any minute now, maybe next month, maybe tomorrow, maybe just an hour later when I go out and bump into that person, then what? My whole life will change again and I won't be sane enough to prevent myself from tearing inside out just to please whatever love requires. I'm a slave of love, to be honest, and I hate that but I can't help it, it consumes me and I just let it.
I'm so afraid to fall in love again but I also want to fall in love. I'm so torn between these two ideas. So let's just enjoy it while it lasts, huh? Why so depressing you :))))
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