Reposted from many reliable sources. Only a few personal details and words are from me. Happy reading!
What is Gaslighting?
(Source: Healthline)
Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse that makes you question your beliefs and perception of reality. Over time, this type of manipulation can wear down your self-esteem and self-confidence, leaving you dependent on the person gaslighting you. The term itself comes from the 1938 play "Gas Light," later released as the 1940 and 1944 movies "Gaslight." The story follows a husband who isolates and manipulates his wife with the end goal of institutionalizing her.
Dr. Robin Stern, co-founder and associate director for the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence, helped bring the term “gaslighting” into public consciousness with her 2007 book “The Gaslight Effect.”
How gaslighting works
(Source: Verywellmind)
Gaslighting is a technique that undermines a person's perception of reality. When someone is gaslighting you, you may second-guess yourself, your memories, recent events, and your perceptions. After communicating with the person gaslighting you, you may be left feeling dazed and wondering if there is something wrong with you. You may be encouraged to think you are actually to blame for something or that you're just being too sensitive.
Gaslighting can confuse you and cause you to question your judgment, memory, self-worth, and overall mental health. It may help to know more about the tactics a person who is gaslighting you might use.
These behaviours may include:
Lying to you: People who engage in gaslighting are often habitual and pathological liars and frequently exhibit narcissistic tendencies. It is typical for them to blatantly lie and never back down or change their stories, even when you call them out or provide proof of their deception. They may say something like: "You're making things up," "That never happened," or "You're crazy."
Discrediting you: People who gaslight spread rumours and gossip about you to others. They may pretend to be worried about you while subtly telling others that you seem emotionally unstable or "crazy." Unfortunately, this tactic can be extremely effective and many people side with the abuser or bully without knowing the full story. Additionally, someone who engages in gaslighting may lie to you and tell you that other people also think this about you. These people may have never said a bad thing about you, but the person who is gaslighting you will make every attempt to get you to believe they do.
Distracting you: When you ask someone who gaslights a question or call them out for something they did or said, they may change the subject by asking a question instead of responding to the issue at hand. This not only throws off your train of thought but causes you to question the need to press a matter when they don't feel the need to respond.
Minimizing your thoughts and feelings: Trivializing your emotions allows the person who is gaslighting you to gain power over you. They might make statements like: "Calm down," "You're overreacting," or "Why are you so sensitive?" All of these statements minimize how you're feeling or what you're thinking and communicate that you're wrong.
Shifting blame: Blame-shifting is another common gaslighting tactic. Every discussion you have is somehow twisted to where you are to blame for something that occurred. Even when you try to discuss how the abuser's behaviour makes you feel, they're able to twist the conversation so that you end up questioning if you are the cause of their bad behaviour. For example, they may claim that if only you behaved differently, they would not treat you the way that they do.
Denying wrongdoing: People who engage in bullying and emotional abuse are notorious for denying that they did anything wrong. They do this to avoid taking responsibility for their poor choices. This denial can leave the victim of gaslighting feeling unseen, unheard, and as though the impact on them is of no importance. This tactic also makes it very hard for the victim to move on or to heal from the bullying or abusiveness.
Using compassionate words as weapons: Sometimes, when called out or questioned, a person who gaslights will use kind and loving words to try to smooth over the situation.3 They might say something like, "You know how much I love you. I would never hurt you on purpose." These words may be what you want to hear, but they are inauthentic, especially if the same behaviour is repeated. That said, they may be just enough to convince you to let them off the hook, which allows the person to escape responsibility or consequences for their hurtful behaviour.
Rewriting history: A person who gaslights tends to retell stories in ways that are in their favour. For instance, if your partner shoved you against the wall and you are discussing it later, they may twist the story and say you stumbled and they tried to steady you, which is what caused you to fall into the wall. You may begin to doubt your memory of what happened. Encouraging confusion or second-guessing on your part is exactly the intention.
Signs of gaslighting
(Source: Verywellmind)
Being subjected to gaslighting can cause anxiety, depression, and other mental health concerns including addiction and thoughts of suicide. For this reason, it's important to recognize when you're experiencing gaslighting. Ask yourself if any of the following statements ring true:
You doubt your feelings and reality: You try to convince yourself that the treatment you receive is not that bad or that you are too sensitive.
You question your judgment and perceptions: You are afraid of speaking up or expressing your emotions. You have learned that sharing your opinion usually makes you feel worse in the end, so you stay silent instead.
You feel vulnerable and insecure: You often feel like you "walk on eggshells" around your partner, friend, or family member. You also feel on edge and lack self-esteem.
You feel alone and powerless: You are convinced that everyone around you thinks you are "strange," "crazy," or "unstable," just like the person who is gaslighting you says you are. This makes you feel trapped and isolated.
You wonder if you are what they say you are: The person who gaslights you says words that make you feel like you are wrong, unintelligent, inadequate, or insane. Sometimes, you even find yourself repeating these statements to yourself.
You are disappointed in yourself and who you have become: For instance, you feel like you are weak and passive, and that you used to be stronger and more assertive.
You feel confused: The behaviour of the person gaslighting you confuses you, almost as if they are Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
You worry that you are too sensitive: The person minimizes hurtful behaviours or words by saying “I was just joking" or "you need thicker skin."
You have a sense of impending doom: You feel like something terrible is about to happen when you are around this person. This may include feeling threatened and on edge without knowing why.
You spend a lot of time apologizing: You feel the need to apologize all the time for what you do or who you are.
You feel inadequate: You feel like you are never "good enough." You try to live up to the expectations and demands of others, even if they are unreasonable.
You second-guess yourself: You frequently wonder if you accurately remember the details of past events. You may have even stopped trying to share what you remember for fear that it is wrong.
You assume others are disappointed in you: You apologize all the time for what you do or who you are, assuming people are let down by you or that you have somehow made a mistake.
You wonder what's wrong with you: You wonder if there’s something fundamentally wrong with you. In other words, you worry that you are not well mentally.
You struggle to make decisions because you distrust yourself: You would rather allow your partner, friend, or family member to make decisions for you and avoid decision-making altogether.
What to do if someone is gaslighting you?
(Source: Verywellmind)
If you are experiencing gaslighting in a relationship, there are some steps you can take to protect yourself. Things you might do include:
Gain some distance: It can be helpful to take a step back from the intense emotions that gaslighting can evoke. Physically leaving the situation can help, but you might also try using some relaxation techniques such ad deep breathing or grounding exercises.
Save the evidence: Because gaslighting can make you question yourself, work on preserving evidence of your experiences. Keep a journal, save text conversations, or keep emails so that you can look back on them later and remind yourself that you shouldn't doubt or question yourself.
Set boundaries: Boundaries tell others what you are willing to accept in a relationship. Make it clear that you won't allow the other person to engage in actions such as trivializing or denying what you have to say.
Get an outside perspective: Talk to a friend or family member about what you are going through. Having another person's perspective can help make the situation clearer to you.
End the relationship: While it can be difficult, ending the relationship with someone who repeatedly gaslights you is often the most effective way to end the abuse.
Personal experience:
(Author's story)
I wrote this entry because gaslighting has become quite popular recently as more people are aware of its existence and the signs. I'm one of those people.
I did not care before because I was too busy blaming myself for every wrong thing in my life, until now. After sitting down and reading books, articles about gaslighting. I realized I was in an emotionally abusive relationship, a.k.a gaslighting relationship.
My first boyfriend was a close friend of mine and whom I began dating after my father passed away. Later on, I realized it was a trauma bond. It wasn't love. Every sign that was mentioned above, emerged in our 1-year relationship. He kept saying I was making things up, I was too sensitive, too unstable for anything. He discredited my feelings by saying "Just be normal", "Just let it be", "Stop acting so weird". I mean, how can someone with depression act normal in a stressful circumstance? You know what, somehow he could shift the blame on me when he attended his ex-girlfriend's birthday without telling me by accusing me of cheating on him with a male friend of mine. He constantly told me that I wasn't pretty enough, I wasn't good enough, I wasn't kind or nice enough to people and he was doing me a favour by dating me. Every time he did something wrong, he asked me "Why are you asking me this? Didn't I treat you nicely enough? What else do you want me to do?" then I would instantly feel guilty and begin having to feel grateful for his presence in my life. Even after we broke up because he cheated on me, he presented to be excessively jealous and acted like I was the one who cheated on him, he insulted my friend by asking him "Did he sleep with me?", fuck what pathetic jerk. And also, he twisted my words and told my friends who would later side with him to give my intervention. I know, even if I was that bad, my friends still exceeded me because they too gaslighted me. Yeah, just so you know, my self-esteem at that time was below the rock bottom, it was somewhere on the ocean floor and near the Earth core. I constantly apologize for being so depressed, for apologizing too much, for making everything in our relationship hard, for not being the stable girlfriend he deserved. Do you know what he deserves? To be emasculated. That's for sure.
I thought he was my saviour, my lifeboat, my everything so I kinda worshipped him. Yes, he was handsome and kind of a hot catch but NOOOO, girl, no man was that hot or amazing, let alone a freaking nearly-developed 19-year-old boy. Now, when I'm at a better place with neither him nor those fucked up girls I used to call friends, I look back at the time and laugh. I was stupid. I was traumatized. I was vulnerable so they took advantage of me. I didn't know better so I let them. Never again.
Remember that you are not to blame for what you are experiencing. The person gaslighting you is making a choice to behave this way. They are responsible for their actions. Nothing you did cause them to make this choice, and you won't be able to change what they're doing. But you can make a choice to save yourself, walk away from that toxic relationship or environment that endangering your mental health and your identity. Sometimes you have to put yourself first.
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